Ruined

I’m happy to welcome author Tina L. Hook and her beautiful contribution, below, on something, in this month of Thanksgiving, that she’s thankful she does not have:
 
Standing in the doorway of my childhood bedroom makes me feel unsteady, disoriented.  When I unlatch the warped window and pull it open, the metal siding shrieks in disapproval, only permitting three inches of fresh air.  I press my nose into the lopsided opening and inhale.  The creaky bed frame digs in beneath my knees.  A memory of shivering beneath a thin pile of sheets comes reaching back from 25 years ago.  If I close my eyes I might remember everything, but I don’t close my eyes.
Photo: Sue, fieldartdublin.com

Photo: Sue, fieldartdublin.com

Back then, I didn’t know that my life was supposed to be ruined.  I’m thankful that I didn’t know.

The word “ruined” arrives often in my adult conversations.  Mostly it comes from within the confines of white picket fences and air-conditioned living rooms—the gentle world I travel in these days.  It’s a word I hear used to describe children with troubled pasts or women who have survived ordeals.  It’s a word that settles like an ulcer at the bottom of my stomach, stinging with accusation even when it isn’t meant for me.  What does it really mean to be ruined?

Waiting for me back in my grown-up home is a pretty stretch of yard, and an embarrassingly comfortable couch.  I often check the thermostat and ask my husband if the temperature is good, to which he winces and answers the same way he always has.  I’m constantly rescuing things too, from my pets to my up-cycled projects.  Even my 40-year-old house is in need of plenty of work but is on the road to completion. I guess it has to do with the old promise I made with myself, that I will try to leave things better than I find them.  It’s a tenet that puts me in unreasonably good standing with landlords and neighbors, but more importantly, it means my caring becomes a tangible actionable thing.  It means my loved ones are warm at night.

After I settle into my childhood bedroom, I notice the flecks of red paint—the roses I painted around the borders of the room with a childish hand.  I recognize the stickers peeling from the dresser mirror—evidence of happy days I hoped to remember again.  I see the drawer where I used to hide my stories and my dreams of becoming a writer.  Before I leave, I place one more memento behind.  This time it’s my name tag from my college reunion.  Maybe next time I’ll leave a copy of my first published novel in my old hiding place.  Because that’s what I do.

I defy my ruins.

You can find Tina on Facebook, Twitter, and her web site, Tina L. Hook

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19 thoughts on “Ruined

  1. I love the idea of leaving things better than when you found them. Of course I’ve heard of that before, but never really thought about it in relation to people. Nice writing.

  2. Beautiful and insightful. I had a difficult childhood at times and reading this made me think back on the moments that had ruined me. Keep defying your ruins, Tina. And I’ll defy mine. ❤

    Thank you for sharing Tina's post with us, Jessica!

  3. Pingback: The Importance of Timing « True STORIES.

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